Apple, known for such products as the iPhone X, iPhone XR, iPhone XS Max and its “wireless, effortless, magical” AirPods has allegedly started production its AirPower wireless charging pad. Without too much speculative power, it shouldn’t take your brain long to assume that the release of the AirPower will be timed with the release of second generation AirPods.
Recently, while visiting San Francisco and watching all the mouth breathing scooter riders with AirPods in their ears careen into stationary objects while showing a clear lack of spatial awareness, I realized what a revolutionary product the AirPod really is. Not only is it a wireless audio delivery device, but is also comes in white and only white. Will the AirPods 2 come in black or perhaps rose gold? Will they be red, pink blue or brown? Only Jony Ive really knows and chances are he’s chugging gallons of antacid in his boxer shorts surrounded by paint samples from Home Depot.
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Forget all the products that have come before it, or all the wireless ear buds currently on the market (and there are a lot of them). Forget everything you know about music, audio and sticking things in your ears. It’s clear that the only reason Apple didn’t announce the AirPods 2 and the AirPower charging mat last year is because it is creating a device so revolutionary, so game-changing that it will literally choke-spit us into the 22nd century of audio technology. Our ear holes are not ready for the weight of what Apple is about to unleash upon our tender bony labyrinths.
Sure, we’ve heard Apple rumors of a foldable phone, or even a curved phone but those innovations will be nothing compared to the Apple AirPods 2. The AirPods 2 will probably double as meditation devices, sending calming pulses down your Buccal and Lingual nerves. They will surely be able to send brain scans to your Apple Watch, and into the cloud, to be sold to advertisers hawking speed pills.
The AirPods 2, in conjunction with the AirPower wireless charging mat, will not only charge their batteries wirelessly, but when you lay your palm on the mat it will infuse your body with much needed temporal phasing, enabling you to perceive reality in five dimensions. HealthKit will kick in, hopefully discovering the AirPod tumor before it causes a stroke, but until that point, your AirPod 2 earbuds will be able to detect the ruling class of aliens without the need for mystical sunglasses.
Some of us have relatively moderate hopes for the AirPods 2. Scott just wants them to “not hiss and let me turn the volume down to a comfortable level for a quiet room” while David does want those mystical sunglasses combined with the AirPods. Most of us just want to show people we can put things in our ears that aren’t attached to knuckles.
Because what are the AirPods if not a fashionable accessory? There are much better sound delivery devices on the market, from Bose to Skullcandy. Yet, there is something about the AirPods that elicits a small, electric sensation in our pleasure centers, similar to that of huffing large amounts of glue or chewing on a plastic bag. Whatever the magic is, and whatever new features will be jammed into these tiny ear sticks, we’ll find out later this year when Apple gets around to pressing its logo into a wireless charging mat that should have existed two years ago.